“There is stigma [attached to] talking about challenges,” says Liz Friedman, a founder of MotherWoman, which organizes a network of perinatal support groups across Massachusetts. “We don’t want to tell pregnant women about challenging births,” says Friedman, who now runs Group Peer Support for Parents. “We want to keep this facade that motherhood is everything we’ve ever hoped for and pregnancy is blissful. . . . We feel like we are raining on people’s parades and dramatizing our own struggles and scaring people, and we don’t want to do those things.”
“Yet,” she says, “we do need to talk about this.”
This quote is from Chelsea Conaboy’s article last week in the Boston Globe – Motherhood brings the most dramatic brain changes of a woman’s life. It struck a chord and has really gotten me thinking about being honest and open about some of the challenges I and my family have faced over the past year. We had a new healthy baby and had just bought our first house. Life should be perfect, right?
We all have a scenario in mind of what it will be like when we find out we’re pregnant – what the nursery will look like, what we’ll name the baby, and how magical the first few minutes will be when that tiny little human is placed on our chest and automatically figures out how to feed itself. This of course also means a relaxing maternity leave with mid-day naps, Instagram worthy pictures and plenty of time to re-decorate your new house while having no issues whatsoever breastfeeding.
But, I’m sure you can tell that that isn’t where this story is going – and you’re right. When I started this blog I said I wanted to be honest and make sure I didn’t paint a picture that hides the messy parts of life. So, now, I’m going to admit something that is not easy for me to say out loud to friends and family – let alone to a bunch of strangers, co-workers and professional acquaintances.
Over the past few months I’ve been struggling with severe anxiety and I’ve started going to therapy.
Similar to Conaboy, I’ve always been slightly anxious – I’m a planner – but I was so mentally broken down by a tough year that I was no longer appropriately coping with stress. And I know perfectly well why that was the case. Not only was my brain and body trying to rewire itself to “Mom mode”, but aside from the birth of our son, almost everything else that happened in 2017 was a personal kick in the gut.
My husband lost his job, I had family members and close friends dealing with some really crappy and heartbreaking life circumstances, and I felt like all of a sudden the world I knew was crashing down around me. I don’t share this to earn sympathy – I just want to show that stuff just plain sucked. Life got real, real fast, and it was HARD.
I wanted to be overjoyed about our bundle of joy, but some days, I just couldn’t get there. The last seven weeks of my pregnancy and my maternity leave were so far from what I expected and I had a really hard time accepting that. I was different and I was worried that my relationships and professional life would never be the same.
We look ready to leave the hospital. We were NOT ready for our first night at home…
I was doing pretty well handling everything until the fall, but this winter and into the spring I found myself to be irritable, disinterested and not wanting to talk to anyone. I just wanted time for myself and didn’t want to be bothered. I hated email, texting, Facebook etc., because I then felt obligated to respond to messages – which also meant I had even less time to spend on myself and the things I wanted to be doing. It was one more person taking time from me and I resented it.
A question as simple as “What do you want for dinner?” would be irritating because I would have to make another decision. (To highlight the full extent of the ridiculousness of my exasperation, I should also mention that my husband was almost always the one doing the cooking)…I felt like I was on a hamster wheel and any setback would send my mind down a mental spiral where I would automatically assume the worst outcome.
I was functioning, and on the surface I probably looked just fine, but I knew that it wasn’t sustainable and this was not what I wanted life to be like. So, I asked for help.
In full transparency, I haven’t been consistent about going to therapy over the past month or so (reminder to book another appointment tomorrow); but, I do intend to keep going and find myself mentally re-setting using the tools I learned there when I start to become overwhelmed.
It was pretty easy to pinpoint the causes of my escalating anxiety in that first session, but I needed to relearn how to cope with it and to also focus on taking care of myself. In fact, my first “homework” assignment was to run more. My super sweet husband does a great job of keeping tabs of this and will make sure I put in the time to get outside if he can tell I’m getting “itchy”.
I am sharing this today because I want anyone reading this to know that it’s okay to ask for help and that you don’t have to live up to the idyllic scenes we’ve all been sold about pregnancy, childbirth, #MomLife, etc. You just created a human for goodness sake! How can we be expected to go through the gauntlet that is pregnancy and childbirth and not come out the other side a different kind of person? You have changed – and that’s natural, that’s good, and that’s what makes you a better Mom, wife and employee.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t also still be good at your job or having a loving relationship with your significant other. It does mean that you need to forgive yourself and accept that you’re going to have some tough moments. Yes, that small human loves you no matter what, and you he/she; but, there will be days when you mourn for your former self. When you wish you could just pick-up and go to the gym, the store, the office, etc. This is NORMAL. If life does throw you a curve ball like me (or two, or three) while your brain and body are putting themselves back together, you need to be even more forgiving. Your new life is not going to be perfect and it’s likely not going to be at all what you imagined; but, it can be pretty damn sweet. Don’t give up on finding it. Put down the Pinterest page, quit comparing yourself to others, and get help if you need it.
Struggling with Postpartum Anxiety or Depression and looking for help? Contact Postpartum Support International: 1.800.944.4773
Abby, this was wonderful to read. After my first-born, I was so overwhelmed with him – and all I could think of was that I was a slacker compared to my mom who had 7 kids (plus a miscarriage) by the time she was 30, then went back to work part-time. Eventually I loosened up, and like you, I have a very supportive spouse. But thank you for presenting post-partum life as it is – and congratulations for seeking professional help.
Thank you, Barb! It’s so hard not to compare ourselves to everyone else. Often, if we lifted the curtain, we’d probably find out they are struggling with the same things we do. One of my favorite quotes is “Comparison is the thief of joy”, and it’s been a mantra for me over the past year. Appreciate your continued support!